Gordon Brown's Latest Wheeze

So, Gordon Brown has decided in his infinite wisdom that what school children need more than, say, learning to read and write, is to pledge allegiance to Queen and Country. This has to be his most idiotic idea to date.

Of course, if the kids were actually taught some history, then they'd know just what a destructive force nationalism can be, but seeing as basic literacy seems to be beyond the capabilities of so many schools, I guess the secret is safe. No, far better to teach children to revere an over-privileged family and salute a piece of cloth while filling their heads with bullshit concepts like “my country right or wrong”.

I just can't see this idea working. Can you imagine a bunch of half-pissed hoodies saluting the flag and singing the national anthem with trembling lips and tears in their eyes? – Tears of laughter perhaps. But Comrade Gordon seems to be very attached to this idea, he's been banging on about “Britishness” for months now without actually defining the term.

This nationalistic fervour is however, a disturbing development. Gordon has got Lord Goldsmith to come up with a report on “Britishness” and his ideas go several stops beyond barking. 

• A "small" council tax discount for people who complete volunteer work in the community, like organising neighbourhood recycling projects, helping children to learn to read in schools or setting up a residents' association

How small? Miniscule I bet! This sounds like slave labour to me. I particularly liked the “helping children to learn to read in schools” What is it teachers are supposed to be doing again? Oh that's right, teaching kids to Seig Heil the flag! 

• Reduction in university tuition fees and student loans for university undergraduates who carry out volunteer work

Slave labour again. Shouldn't students be, erm, studying?

• Extending citizenship ceremonies to all young people, with the possibility of incorporating the oath of allegiance to the Queen and the pledge of commitment to the UK

I've covered this bit. It's bullshit.

• A British national day by 2012, to coincide with the Olympics and what will be the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

Well, I'm fine with the day off bit but I think I'll give all the flag waving a miss – or is that treason? Which brings us neatly to:

• Reform or scrapping of Britain's old Treason laws

We can't have people disagreeing with the Generalissimo can we?

• A review of the current ban on asylum seekers taking paid jobs

Careful Gordon, don't want to upset the Daily Mail do we?

• Reducing the fee charged for becoming a British citizen from £655, with a larger discount for foreigners who apply as soon as they become eligible

So what happens to British residents who have been productively here for decades, are they to be penalised?

• Creation of a new National Citizens' Corps, whose members could provide advice to others on training and development in citizenship.

Good grief!! I've been trying to avoid Godwin's law up to now. But FFS Gordon, why not go the whole hog and set up your own version of the Hitler Youth?

• Setting up a new "Deliberation Day" to be held before each General Election to encourage political debate and other events.

Yes, we're all very familiar with Gordon and New Labour's passion for political debate. The word “Gimmick” springs to mind.

• A special citizenship ceremony to be hosted each year and possibly attended by the prime minister and a senior royal, to recognise "outstanding acts of volunteering"

Someone fetch me a bucket please.

• The setting up of "Investors in Communities" - a title earned by businesses which allow staff paid time to carry out community work

Hmm, time off work to work. I know Labour are obsessed with getting people into work but this is ridiculous. What employer will take that idea seriously?

• Foreigners applying for citizenship should follow a new credits-based system under which they would earn points for various activities in the community. For instance, working in key jobs, like the NHS, could earn additional credits.

Why not just make sure people are paid a decent wage for whatever job they end up doing?

And let's not forget that this nonsense comes from Lord Goldsmith the ex-Attorney General whose stunning contributions to citizenship include scrapping a police investigation into his Government's corruption and allowing himself to be pressured by a foreign government into changing his mind on the legality of an illegal war.