Local Election Results - Live Blogging Until Boredom Hits

00:01
The BBC has the usual suspects, a Dimbleby, heroically trying to interest us in Tumbridge Wells. Charles Kennedy is doing well, considering the late hour. George Osbourne is slowly turning into a Thunderbird puppet. Jeremy Vine is using the 'Ascent of Man' as a swingometer. Really. I wonder what ideas were rejected.

Bloggers are representeed by Iain Dale Blogger Royal to the Court of David Davis, Luke Akenhurst (Hi Luke, remember us?) representing the vacuousness at the core of the New Labour machine. There's some Lib-Dem blogger, but I've no idea who she is. Funnily enough there are no independent minded bloggers, just party hacks with shiny laptops.

Tessa Jowell is gracing  us with her insight. Notably she once said she'd happily throw herself under a bus for Tony. This propmted us to get an HGV and Passenger licence, but somehow she never seemed serious about her pledge, despite our best efforts.

00:19
We watched a programme on cannabis just before, and the presenter tried out lots of Dutch skunk as part of her research. The presenters of this broadcast would also benefit from a good lungfull of White Widow. Dimbleby is searching for Tim. Think Tim's hiding.

00:23
George Osbourne has just spoken about their conference in Gateshead. Apparantly they all got out without being lynched and he seems to think this is progress. Vine and the ascent of man are telling us what we, the humble public think. Apparantly when asked which party leader is a good leader, not one gets a majority. Jimmy doesn't actually say that but the figures do speak out.

00:27
Nuneaton has made history, we are told as the Tories grab the council, that also includes two councillors from the BNP, who figure on the far left - for once - on Jimmy's tribute to Dr. Jacob Bronowski, right next to the plankton. Osbourne's just been told that it's doom for Labour.

00:37
Let's be honest, there's nothing exciting going to happen. The politicians and tame parthy hack bloggers are going to say exactly what we expect and I could blog this whole long dark night of the polls in advance and get it right. some presenter, fresh from Local News has just interviewed some bloke from TV who gave us some funny voices. This is likely to bwe the highlight, unless I'm way off and we'll wake up tomorrow happy in the knowledge that ' we were there when they announced bogworth and crapstone'.

Jowell's telling us that this is all about which party has the best policies, the best leader. Earlkier she was saying that it was all about local issues. apparantly national turmoil translates to local uncertainties.

Oh God, Jimmy's just doing a sub Comic Relief skit pretending to be a cowboy. Oh God. This is more embarrassing since Richard went all AliG on our ass. Ye Gods man, just stop. Seriously, think of what your kids are going to face in school.

00:56
T' Bloggers are spouting. Dale is doing his usual stuff, t'Lib Dem is telling us how happy LD's are always - they're content with their usual flatlining, but she does offer some advice for Jimmy "Stop doing that now". Poor Luke is struggling, reduced to pointing to a solitary seat gain in Hastings or somewhere is making people feel very positive. That says  it all really.

01:04
Shock news from Wales: "Labour have seven councils. If they lose three they'll be left with four.

01:07
This is what's wrong with politics. It's just the same old crap, the same old vacuous spin and the same bland boring guff. Kennedy's talking about something, in his own words, 'quite interesting'. It isn't. He's saying that the LD's have the ability to take on Labour and the Conservatives. They do and they appear to be losing. Tessa is backpeddeling faster than Kollerstrom, but listening to her is about as enlightening as being subjected to Vogon poetry. Boris Johnson's dad is speaking. All is clear. It's a genetic defect.

01:18
John Denham is bullshitting like a true pro. He's saying 'we're listening to the message from the voters and we'll get through this difficult patch and get back to you'. Apparantly losing Southampton is down to the LD's even though Lab have also lost seats. They need to show that they've listened and the causes for that and that they've always listened to people and will continue to listen to people.

Think we've got the "Line To Take". Jimmy's using a lot of bad photoshop to illustrate something or other. Thankfully not with a Texan accent.

01:28
Ed Milliband is whittering along the listening to people guff - camera cuts to a stony faced panel. He appears to be trying to master some Yoda type hand signals. The 10p Tax has been 'difficult'. Robinson says they're doing worse than Blair's low point and the Brown bounce has turned into a Brown flounce. Can I face much more of this content-free comment. It's this boring.

01:43
Congratulations to Gordon, you're now scoring less that Blair did - 24%. Even the narcoleptic Lib Dems are getting more votes. Response, yet more guff about being 'very conscious' about listening, but this is about local issues, but it's a referendum about how well Labour are doing according to the Chair of the Parliamentry Labour Party. What has it not been listening to? the 10p tax rate. Now they have to explain why they're doing this and get through this rough patch.

Ye Gods. Will this crap never end?

01:49
It won't stop. Geoff Hoon is telling us how wonderful Labour is and trying the 'oh sorry I didn't think that question was addressed to me ploy when challenged. An odd one for a one-on-one interview.

01:54
Geoff Hoon is saying there's no crisis at 24% of the vote. Nick Robinson says that there's nothing for Labour to do, they can't change leader and don't know what to do. CUT TO Ed Milliband looking terrified. After more guff Milliband say that the Tories shouldn't be too happy over the results. And Labour will listen to people. No sign of listening to reality knocking on their door though.

02:00
Lord Hoyle is basically say they've got to listen. Pollster Tony King asks that when you've done listening, what are you going to do? Well, it seems that they have to adjust to problems before they happen. Then they're going to listen some more. The policies seemto be right so they'll listen to people.

02:05
Dimbleby wakes up Vince Clarke to tell him the LD's have lost Liverpool. He takes it well.

02:11
The LD's have Liverpool after all. They signed up an independent at the count for an unspecified 'offer'. Before this Jeremy Vine frittered away his dignity by waving pictures of Gordon Brown badly photoshopped onto Mr Bean in the air. To think this man was once referred as Paxman's Mini-me. He maybe demoted to the Teletubbies after this, at least he can embarrass himself in relative anonyminity.