Condi Gets Back to Jack: On Extraordinary Rendition

Intro:
Some of you meddling busybody cheese-eating surrender monkeys have been bleating on about us doing what needs to be done in fighting the forces of evil. Well listen, and listen good because this is how it is.

Pursuing Suspects:
We are at goddam war you know.
Not just the good honest slaughter you see in Iraq, lit up by those pretty little white phosphorus shells. We are also fighting a dirty war, in parts of the world you will never hear about, because we are damm sure you aren't going to.

I've seen these soldiers of evil's handiwork, and I know the only way we are going to beat them is by being dirtier, more callous and more sadistic than they are.

Just remember, our job is keeping you safe... If you are too damm stupid to understand the depths to which we will sink, then we will be sending Bin Laden your GPS location, geddit!

Legal Challenges:
Look, we these guy's are all over the world. Instead of "Reds Under the Bed's" think "All Muslims are potential terrorists, wherever and whoever they might be", and you kinda get the picture.
And because the little fuckers are out there, so are we, and we need to catch them and squeeze them till they squeak. And then we'll lock them up, or fry them. [You know how Dubya likes a good barbecue...]
This is a war, we are at war, so anything we do is legal, because in times like these, legal is what we say is legal. Besides, we haven't got time to fanny about with all your little provincial extradition laws. However, if you all follow the UK's shining example, and allow us to extradite whoever we want without a prima facie case, then it would make all our lives a whole lot easier...
We are at war, so it's legal. OK.
And if you doubt us on the legal thing, we even give our detainees diplomatic status [but not immunity? - ed] when we transport them. Thats right, head over to Postman Patel if you don't believe me.

Rendition Saves Lives:
This Rendition business, we've all been doing it for years. Carlos the Jackal didn't seem to cause anybody any worries. So think of these guys as lots of little Jackals, and it's legal and you have got nothing to whine about!
Is that simple enough for you?

Torture Rejected:

Torture is a term defined by law, our law. You show me the international convention on 'Torture Lite? See, there isn't one. So Torture is banned, but Torture Lite? No Problem. They said that Khalid Sheik Mohammed would be a tough nut to crack, but I had him begging to cofess after two and a half minutes of waterboarding.

But for the record, and I'd say check me on this, but you can't:
We respect your poxy little states idea of sovereignty .
We don't ship anyone around the world to be tortured for us, or where they might be tortured, fingers crossed. We even make sure they authorities promise they will be really nice to the evil doers whilst they are using local knowlege to interrogate them.

We stick by our rules, and your rules when it comes to the guys we've got. And like I said, none of the rules say anything about 'Torture Lite'. Besides, when it comes to interrogation methods, a bit of :
Attention Grabbing, Attention Slapping, Belly Slapping, Long Time Standing, Cold Cell Soaking or Waterboarding never did anyone any harm.
Well no one we are, or you should be bothered about anyway.

And as for how long we can keep them when we've got them, well as my grandaddy used to say - "How long is a piece of string Condi?". Like I said, there's a war on, so as long as we are at war with terror, they stay under lock and key. Just as soon as the war is over, those who we have known to be innocent all along will be freed. Don't worry, we'll tell you when major combat operations are over.
You can't expect us to let them out early, innocent or not they'll shout their mouths off to the press, and then we will be wide open to attack.
Of course, we will cut the military aid to any dictator caught cheating and going a bit far and upsetting you mealy mouthed Liberals. But only as a fucking gesture, it's men like Islam Karimov who are keeping you safe too.

Abuse Punished:
Look, mistakes do happen when people find out what we have to do to keep you safe, but have full accountability, look at that Lyndie England from Abu Grahib. No stone was left unturned, we followed the chain of command right up to the very top only to discover the buck stopped with her.
We always obey the rules, our rules, we observe all treaties etc etc etc, is anyone else getting bored with all this?

Debate Required:
Well you debate all you like, I'm telling you how it is.
That lily livered coward John McCain is stirring up trouble back home with his ridiculous demand that the CIA are banned from slapping those evil terrorist childkillers around a little bit. But don't worry, America is a country of Laws, AND I AM THE LAW, so don't forget it McCain and the rest of you commies - our very own VP for Torture is on your case.

Some of you will doubless whine that I haven't given you the details of the secret CIA gulags where we don't torture, or don't have tortured the scum we have swept up. Have you GOT A FUCKING DEATH WISH! Information like that is a goddam gift to evil news agencies broadcasting BIn Laden's propaganda. I'm with Bush, cut out the middle man and bomb the bastards. And anyway, haven't you people heard of national security?

But this bit's for you Europe. If you want our protection, if you want us to share the information we extract from these sons of satan, then you shut the fuck up and mind your own business.
These guys are evil, pure evil. Trust us, we know how to classify these people. If they pray to the east 5 times a day, and they look a bit shifty, or their eyes are too close together, then we'll get to the bottom of it. Keeping you safe, whatever it takes.

Remember Dubya's immortal words? "You're either with us or against us"
You wring your hands and indulge your passion for debate all you like. But take it too far, and you might find a shopping centre near you being re-christened 'Ground Zero'.

We are keeping the world safe and we're doing it our way.

ps
FAO Jack Straw ONLY
I don't hold writing the letter against you Jack, they made you do it didn't they honey. It will all be different when we are in charge...
I know you are with the programme, and value your support and insight.
luv condi
xxx