'Write A Prayer For Tony' Competition *UPDATED*

I would like to donate a prize... a small jar containing the ashes of Tony Blair.

"JESUS H CHRIST!!! What was I THINKING??!!"

Hey There!

It's me again, erm, you know, Tony. Well I've been meaning to ask you a couple of things, but you know how it is, what with Tessa and all that.

Anyway, I thought now would be a good time for a chat as I've got a bit of a window in my schedule. But, hey, you're a busy guy too! I don't know how you made the world in six days, it's going to take little me, your humble servant a lot longer than that just to make Baghdad!

Which kind of brings me onto what I wanted to talk to you about. I've got to say that i'm a bit disappointed with your delivery targets, I mean, you promised me that there were WMD, was that just a test?

I obeyed your commandment in Jerimiah 50: 21-31 and where did that get me?

You've put me in a bit of a spot, I'm certainly on a rocky road right now, much rockier, if you don't mind me saying so than the Baghdad Airport road!

To be honest, I'm not sure you're as committed to the New Labour Project as you should be and you're spending more time with that Cameron chap than is good for you.

If I were you, I'd stick to the core of our (you don't mind me calling it our?) project.

I look at the discip, er, ministers you have chosen for me and I am beginning to wonder about your judgement. Are oyu sure you made the right choices?

Take Tessa. why did you bless me with her? I know the troubles your son had with the moneychangers, just like she has with her husband, but I can hardly kick over Threadneedle Street can I?

I know your boy also hung around with sinners - kids are such a wrry aren't they - but the lot you picked are up to their necks with sinners and I'm not convinced they're always trying to put them on the path of righteousness either.

Could I ask you Lord to wipe that smug grin off dear Ruth's face, I know you created it but it's not going down well with the focus groups.

As for David, well I was prepared to forgive him seven times seventy, but, you know, the polls were against him, what could I do?

When can I bring back Peter from his exile in the Land of Gog and Magog?

Lord, I have done all you ask and now that I'm leaving the world of politics, I wondered if you had a place for me up there. To be honest, you need a new right hand man and I've got a great raft of skills and experience for the job, or is that Job... Just my little joke.

Anyway, I've got to go and make my Horlicks, but I would appreciate it if you could pull your socks up and raise your game, i'm deep trouble down here.

Amen.

From Martin who inspired this competition:

Tony's Prayer:

Dear Lord,

I know you're, like, on the record as being a bit opposed to violence. "Thou shalt not kill", "Turn the other cheek" and other old-fashioned stuff like that. But what you've got to realise God is that the world has moved on. In modern Britain you need to be a bit more flexible about these things now and its time to draw a line under these outdated practices.

So I was sort of wondering God if I could just start a couple of wars. Nothing too major, just a few thousand dead on a flimsy pretext that won't stand up to any real scrutiny. And that UN resolution? No need to worry about that? Great! Thanks then God. I'll just get on to George and tell him you said to make the bastards suffer.

Oh and one more thing God. It's that thing about it being hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. My friend Tessa wants to know if it applies to women as well. Thanks alot God. I'll talk to you soon when I'm running short of self justification again.

Amen

Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch,
Dear Lord, I know that Iraq's been botched.
But please ensure I'll get to Heaven,
And keep wee Gordon in Number 11

Satisfying though it is to make fun of Tony, we should remember that things are unlikely to improve under Gordon. Gordon is deeply religious and a fellow architect of the New Labour Project, whose policies he has bankrolled as Chancellor. The neoconservative Rupert Murdoch recently praised Gordon as a fine Calvinist, someone of whom he approved. The tentacles of the Christian Socialist Movement wind throughout parliament and government.

Our Dubya, who art in Washington,
Hallowed be thy Name.
Thy oil empire come.
Thy will be done,
On Iraq as it is in Afghanistan.
Give us this day our anti terror laws.
And forgive us our illegal wars,
As we forgive those who want to keep their civil liberties.
And lead us not into a quagmire,
But deliver us from reality.
For mine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen.

Dear Lord. Today's texts are...

'He has scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts.
He has put down the mighty from their thrones,
and exalted those of low degree.
He has filled the hungry with good things;
and the rich He has sent empty away'
Luke (1:46-55)

This isn't working for me, Lord. Let's try again. ( flick)

'Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are the meek: for they shall posses the land.
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.'

Matthew (5: 3-10)

Oh dear.

Erm.

Ah. I don't know what to say really.Is there nothing in here about hardworking families?

*cough*

Hmmmm.Well, then.

Amen.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my job to keep,
In No. 10 I want to stay,
And that Gordon goes away.

URGENT ASSISTANCE REQUIRED

Dear God Inc,

Please accept my apologies for contacting you directly, but this is a matter of some urgency and importance. I am Anthony Charles Linton Jehosavat Blair, a close friend and business associate of one Mr. David Mills, esteemed and respected lawyer of international repute.

Shortly before the unleashing of cruel and unfounded allegations against him by atheistical Italian magistrates intent on his destruction, Mr. Mills entrusted to me the sum of 3.5 million pounds to be held in abeyance for the hereafter. I am now seeking to transfer this money to a safe and reliable destination beyond the reach of the Italian judicial system, and your services have been highly recommended. Should you be willing to assist us in this enterprise, we would of course be happy to reward you with a commission of 10% of the total sum.

All I ask in advance is that, as a token of your interest, you forward me your full credit details and grant me the ability to leap tall buildings at a single bound.

Yours fervently,

Anthony Charles Linton Jehosavat Jezebel Ezekiel Blair

As Larry Love & the Right Reverend D Wayne Love of Alabama 3 say:
"The meek ain't gonna inherit shit"

Hey Lord - would you mind if I converted to Islam? They are getting all the great gigs these days. No, you're really Mohammed? Get away. Well as my fellow jihadi Jack said recently "Peace be upon you"
Inshallah
Yousuf Ali Blair

and begins to pray...

"Dear God,
Please don't let them find out about my loan from David Mills.."

My God, (Who art the only one who can judge Me)
Help Me ignore each day our daily dead
And justify My trespasses
As I imprison those who would speak out against Me.