Blairwatch presents...The Houston Manifesto
An early draft of a notorious document has been discovered today dumped in a cistern in a London pub. We publish it here in full:
As liberal as Joe McCarthy...
Smarter than the average bear...
Further right than Genghis Khan [is this ok?]...
We present, in association with the Project for Nepotistic American Corruption [please check spelling - Ed.]:
THE HOUSTON MANIFESTO
Item 1
We are committed to democratic norms, procedures and structures. We're also committed to finding out what they are at some point. [Aaronovitch think he knows, but none of us think he knows. I don't even know if he thinks].
Item 2
We just don't understand how the world works. No, really, hear us out. We're proud of it. Trying to understand how the world works is more dangerous than mainlining crack while BASE jumping with a parachute full of moths. There are Bad People. There are Good People. Understand? You can safely leave working out who's who to smart folk like Donald Rumsfeld.
Item 3
People killed by democrats are less dead than people killed by tyrants. You get a better class of distributed entrails too, and the mass graves smell sweeter. Oh, and we hate double standards.
Item 4
Equality should be striven for, and enforced by Edward Woodward in a Jaguar, because he looks cool.
Item 5
Globalisation is good. Arbeit Macht Frei [look, this really won't do - please ring Alistair Campbell for a better line - you'll find him at Number Ten working on the Iran Dossier]
Item 6
We support a one-state solution to the Middle East's problems. That state's historical borders are delineated by Mexico on one side and Canada on the other.
Item 7
We support a two state solution to the Israel-Palestine problem. [Note: this is deprecated by Item 6]
Items 7b-7z
Solutions to the problems of Zimbabwe, Chechnya, Kashmir, Uzbekistan, Belgium etc. [cut for reasons of indifference]
Item 8
Racism is appalling, especially when practiced by people with brown skins, beards and Qu'rans. Now that's the really bad sort of racism, but what do you expect from their sort? Send 'em back now, I always say, guv. Some of them are anti-semitic homophobes who vote for George Galloway and the Trots, you know. Vile medieval-minded Islamist scum. I had that Yusuf Islam in the back of the cab once. Lovely fella. Kept wanting to play The Clash, so I locked the doors and took him straight down to Paddington Green nick.
Item 9
Terrorists, arn'tchasickof'em? Ban all celebrations of Irish independence, US independence [oops, better not, see Item 6], the French Resistance (and throw that old dear who just got her parachute wings into Belmarsh). Better throw in anyone protesting near Parliament, nuclear sites or airbases while you're at it. Oh, and arrest Iyad Allawi for murdering Ba'athists. Cast the net as broad as Charles Clarke's trouser seat and string 'em up, it's the only language I understand.
Item 10
What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. The precise weight given to each clause in this item will depend on how many tanks we each command.
Item 11
I'll say this for Maggie, she sorted out those lefties and put the Great back into Great Britain.
Item 12
History is highly volatile stuff, which is why it should carefully be written by historians you agree with, otherwise you could be exposed to lethal levels of understanding (see Item 2). Best to leave it to the professionals at Fox News.
Item 13
Nothing should interfere with a man's right to shout 'FIRE' in a crowded theatre, and the Pope smells of wee, and as for the Prophet Mahomed, he...
At this point the document becomes too drink-sodden and covered in food sauces to be decipherable.
What's the point of this? I
What's the point of this? I come here for informed comment, views and opinions.
I see it was posted just after 'closing time'. Prehaps that explains - it must have seemed funny after ten pints of strong lager.
Anonymous, you're going to
Anonymous, you're going to give yourself an ulcer.
Bugger off back to
Bugger off back to Indymedia. Presumably you complain that Private Eye has too many cartoons?
Nicely done. After reading
Nicely done. After reading the blathering of the Euston Manifesto - which struck me as some Blair and Bush apologists worried about all the "bad press" the two have had of late trying to make amends - this is a breath of fresh air :)
Well the Euston Manifesto is
Well the Euston Manifesto is heading towards he dustbin of history and will vanish shortly. The interesting thing is that they offered it to start a discussion and then blanked anyone who disagreed with them with nonsense about 'reasonable people couldn't disagree with them' etc.